Elegy for the Past
The creation of this platform is geared towards spotlighting the people who give themselves to the world by showcasing their dedication and sacrifice for life. In the last few months, I have been considering discussing my journey to sobriety on a larger scale. I now recognize that I have developed a way to deliberate on this idea. Before I begin to detail the lives of others, this would be an excellent opportunity to empower those who struggle with addiction by sharing a piece of myself.
Usually, one does not pick up substance abuse without any preexisting trauma. Growing up was more hardships than happiness; I would never experience the quintessential childhood. Rather than pass on secondhand trauma or dox anyone, just know I have lived a life surviving my past. The best way to describe this feeling is that between the ages of six and twenty-eight, I felt like I was meandering through life with no answers, nodding my head, prescribing myself my death, and running from the very things I was unable to comprehend because I was too uncomfortable with myself and incapable of fathoming my trauma. My life was statistically predetermined at a very young age, and I would never know the purity of adolescence. When people say they grew up at a young age, it is not something to be given recognition for.
When I was thirteen, I had my first drink. Little did I know just five years later, I would quaff a bottle of bourbon to myself most weekend nights. There were moments when I would be intoxicated before, during, or after my high school classes. I was a student-athlete in a very competitive division in Maryland, where I also found myself taming my anxiety with pre-game libations. As I got older, I found comfort in drinking and learned to suppress my emotions; it made me feel relaxed since I could never correctly express myself sober. During this time, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and eventually attempted to end my own life.
Once I got to college, all I wanted to do was drown myself in substance abuse. I did not lean into others to fit in or try to make any friends. There were days I battled severe depression and wanted to cease to exist. I allowed myself to get behind in academics and let my extracurriculars affect my ability to perform in the classroom and on the athletic field. Alcohol decreased my inhibitions, redirecting my need for more depth in my addiction. I eventually decided to leave the college I was at, mainly to focus on what I needed for myself. I spent the next two years discovering purpose through work and taking courses at a local community college. After those two years, I better understood my interests and attended a local university where I would obtain a Bachelor of Science degree in Legal Studies.
Life was going well up until October of 2017. At this point, my consumption was frequently at home but always in a social setting. I was wrapped up in a relationship with someone I should not have been, but I was making goals for myself and exceeding them. We were together for almost four years at this point, had a home, and I felt like my life was moving in a pretty good direction. What I did not realize was I was living my past all over again through being manipulated and gaslit. My world came crumbling down when I became a victim of domestic violence. I lost everything. A wedge was driven through my most precious relationships. I felt alone and did not have anyone to turn to because I did not have immediate support from those I considered my people, those who would be willing to understand what happened to me or help me. I had to turn to strangers for help. I had to find a new place to live. I had to build a supportive community to help aid and guide me since I had lost all of that, but none of that would come without a cost. I fell further into my addiction, reaching some of the lowest points in my life.
Some of the most chilling encounters would follow in the years to come. I will spare details since my actions were not my fondest memories, and my behavior sometimes put many innocent people’s lives in danger. I am fortunate to be alive and to be able to speak about these things, but the risks I had taken are something I deeply regret. I do not wish to dwell on the past; however, there is no way to understand the extent of my abuse without ruminating on these thoughts. Due to how I was choosing to live my life, I could not move forward and continued to project my trauma. I hurt people. I pushed people away. I did not let people in. One of the biggest struggles was admitting to myself that I had a problem. All my behaviors were enabled by not only myself but also by my lifestyle choices and the individuals that came with them. I discovered the only way out was to destroy all my vices.
Sobriety revealed a lot of truths that I had been suppressing through self-medication. Once I was able to remove the need for substances from my social life, it allowed me to answer the whys. My reasons for self-medicating were directly related to my want to eliminate any feelings of trauma I had endured in my youth and my young adulthood. The longer I stayed sober, the more lucid my memories became. I now find living in a world of transparency with myself effortless. It is necessary to be honest about my past and acknowledge what I have done and what has been done to me. I have been able to work through my trauma by channeling the energy I once used for my vices to face my suffering head-on. Today, I have the time to entertain these thoughts and move forward without resistance.
Enduring a life of sobriety has been a lot to process. It has revealed many challenging questions that needed answers—one of the most difficult insights developed around the culture I am immersed in. I began to acknowledge that the people I spent most of my time with were not my friends but, at most, acquaintances. I started to see the insignificance of most relationships I consumed myself with. I knew as much about them as they knew about me, and that was wanting someone to binge drink with.
The hospitality industry is distinctive in terms of social engagement. Drinking alongside these people, you start to develop what you think to be lifelong friendships, but the industry is a representation of a revolving door; people come and go. The mentality tends to exist within peer-to-peer interaction as loyalty is to the business, not the relationships. You become non-existent in their world once you are on the company's fringe. This is something that can be paralleled with sobriety. Because I was a “Yes” man, I was a muse for the entertainment of others. Once I began to say, “No,” my phone inevitably stopped ringing.
The day I chose to be sober, I knew I would be losing people in my life just as I would be cutting them off. By virtue of necessity, this clarifying moment had to be endured without protest since it provoked the mentality of “me against the world.” I do not discourage those who go out to enjoy themselves or get pulled into the service industry, but I believe those who continue to go out every week and engage in the same activities night after night are lost in life. On their own, drugs and alcohol cloud our judgment and make us feel in ways that make it challenging to remove ourselves from the joys we feel within those activities. I have a lot of beautiful memories from my late nights, but the true addiction lay in the monotony of it all.
If you struggle to find your way, know you are not alone. Millions of people want to share their stories with us. Still, it is our responsibility to give humanity the nourishment it needs to create a space of security, allowing instances of vulnerability to follow. I never lived my life with the choice to do what I wished. I have never been able to choose a hobby for fun or live for life’s excitement. Giving myself an outlet to grieve or find refuge in living was fated. Simply put, I needed to survive.
However, once you can take the reins, manage the misfortunes, have the grace to forgive yourself, and cauterize the wounds of your past, I can promise you that life is not so grim. Before you think about giving anything else a chance, please stop and think about giving yourself the opportunity because you matter; whatever you have endured, know that it is not your fault and does not define you. I know my trauma does not define me; this is my story.